Yesterday was a very strange day.
It was busy but at one moment I was so fed up to the degree of nausea and headache. I felt that my days are not taking me to where I should go and that I am not used to the best of my potential in a world where value comes from achievements, recognition and being famous. I felt that I am losing my abilities and myself! My ego was talking. I blamed external factors and I saw myself helplessly sinking.
I have passed through the day, did what I have to do as safely as I could do and headed off home as soon as the day has ended and from there directly to my bed! I pulled down the blinders and turned off the lights. I decided as well to go off social media as I did not stand the thought of anyone peaking through to my heart in my words and my views of the world!
I had to then sit with myself and face it! I prayed that I am guided back to sanity! I told myself: “Remember why you do what you do!”
I did not want to talk to anyone since I know the solution was within me not outside! A friend called to vent. I listened, she needed it and I swallowed my pain and hers! I spoke to my sister on phone and avoided talking to my mum since she has the sixth sense in picking up if I was in a bad mood! I had to sleep after that. I turned in my bed and writhed. Slept in cycles and woke up several times. I continued to mumble prayers to calm me down and I slept. I woke up. I thanked Allah. I surprisingly smiled as I remembered that I did not choose what I am doing for recognition.
“I want to be useful and to keep learning for the rest of my life!” I told myself then.
My growth is slowing down. I talked back to myself. I blamed it on circumstances the night before but this morning I reminded myself that I am in control and that all is my choice!
“I was the turtle 🐢 never the rabbit 🐇 !” I told myself!
“I want to make a difference and to see it. I do not need to be recognised for it when it happens!”
“I do not care about what people see in me or say about me. I know myself, I am a human! That is all I am, that is what everyone is!”
“I am responsible for what happens to me! I am living what I deserve! I am capable of changing and progressing!”
“I will be kind! I will remain positive!”
I kept talking to myself as I was getting ready and I meant every word!
I decided not to take the bus and ordered for a taxi. It was the right decision! I was picked by a driver I know from before. He is always in a cheerful mood and I feel him like my older brother when he calls my name in the conversation “Oh Isra!” He likes to say it in the middle as he tells me about his days since I last met him and his family and he always salute me goodbye with a smile and a good wish for the day ahead!
My mood was fixed!
“I will pass it on! I will greet people with a smile, I will treat everyone with kindness, and I will remain humble!”
I treated myself with a cup of hot chocolate and a banana and almond muffins! Blueberries was not available today but it is still ok!
I walked to my desk, put down my bag on the table, hanged my coat, turned on my PC and pulled my notebook.
I have written two words and circled each separately
Kind..
Value..
What would you like to be? Kind!
What would you like to do? I would like to add value!
This answered everything. Nothing else mattered. I am hoping that Allah will be pleased with me!
The day was busy but I was useful. Everyone in the team in fact!
As I bounced from the wards to the clinic, back to the wards and then to other colleagues, I did not feel the misery of yesterday! I was satisfied!
I came to review the clinic cases with my colleagues and I could not help but telling them that the man we started on the new drug with the special funding request reports a changed life! “He is now able to wake up with high energy and to spend the whole day feeling well and himself!”
I was pleased when I was listening to him telling me that. I was delighted to see him stepping from wanting to just being well to asking further about the next step of being healthier and fitter!
My colleague said to me with a smile after I told him about the man “You are saving lives these days Isra!”
I smiled. I know it was a simple thing not mounting to saving a dying person but I am comfortable that those patients are living a better life day by day!
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Every patient matters! Every person matters! I am not changing the world but I am making a difference!
I am still Isra, simple, with no glory, no fame, no many great so called achievements but I could hold my heart with my hand and smile as I feel it there “I love you!” 🙂
shetellsastory 